After Christmas, 2003

The presents were probably almost all put away by now. Jonah was 18 months old, I wonder what he got that year for Chanukah and Christmas? I was very much ready to relax, and take some much needed time off from work and everything for that matter! I remember we had planned to be at a New Years Eve party right down the street at Myke and Mindy's house. I remember looking forward to it.

It was December 30, 2003. I was not feeling so well. I remember I had lunch plans for the next day with my friend Kerry, I was looking forward to that as well. I had a life beyond my wildest dreams at that point. A wonderful husband, a beautiful son, a great dog, what more could I dare to ask for. I was, however, not feeling well...

There came a time when I had to make a decision, to call for help. I needed a doctors opinion, and I needed my sister-in-law to babysit Jonah. I had to go into the hospital, I was starting to feel worse and worse, there was a substantial amount of pain, and I was a bit nervous. This was not supposed to be happening on this night. There were lunch plans, and parties, and I was not supposed to be on my way to the hospital at 8PM...not on this night.

I called Kerry on the way to cancel our lunch, I was calm at this point. I remember getting there and getting scared...I had been through all of this before, but it can still be pretty nerve racking. Time passed, people arrived, and I was waiting for it all to be over. I had surgery that night, and at 12:45 AM it was pretty much over. 12:45 AM, December 31, 2003, New Years Eve.

I was in recovery for several hours after that, the anticipation almost unbearable. I already knew so much about her. Her weight; 9 pounds 9 ounces, her name; Cassidy Rae Moore, but I had yet to hold her. When I finally did, my life was complete.

I remember when my son was born, the first thing I felt when I kissed him for the first time was understanding. I understood why God chose to keep me alive after all the alcohol, drugs and car accident that almost killed me. Conversely, the first time I held my daughter, I felt relief. I knew that if I never accomplished another thing for the rest of my life, I was sober, and I had a pretty big part in creating two beautiful human beings that began amazing me the second they were born, and have never stopped.

So, in 2 days she will be 7. I can not believe it has been 7 years already. Every day there are amazing and wonderful things I learn from being her mother, I hope when she is older she can say the same. I have since gone on to accomplish more things, and will hopefully continue to do so, but nothing makes me prouder than my sobriety, and my beautiful children.

Just like starting over...

I joined Minerals Spa today, and I am taking a spin class tomorrow at 9:15 AM. I feel like this is it, I will finally do it! I have, in all honesty felt like this before, but I have never had Louise with me. I fully believe she would pull me out of my house by my hair if I said I was not going to the gym. 100% believe that. Not a doubt in my mind.

I have, however, changed my idea of why I am going there. Yes, I need/want to lose quite a bit of weight, but I do not have my goal as "to be skinny" anymore. I wanna be STRONG! I am mentally strong, even spiritually strong, now it is time for the physical to match the rest of it. I have done pretty much every thing I ever said I was going to do, so now it's time for this.

I will start tomorrow at 9:15 AM. I will get strong and healthy, in the process I will get thin as well. I think I have never been able to do this, because my goals were screwed up. I need to stop jamming my head full of negativity. If I think I am not worth it, I'm not.

So, here's to tomorrow! Bring it on, I am ready for the challenge. I deserve this :)

Really? Is this all I am?????

I am lots of things. A daughter, a sister, a step-daughter, a neice, a cousin, a wife, a mother, a friend, a waitress, a student, an alcoholic, a drug addict, a compulsive shopper, a compulsive gambler, a fat chick.

I am ok with all but one of these. I love all my interpersonal relationships, there are moments when some of them are a bit taxing, but I would never give any of them up, not even for a second. I would also never give up the problems I have overcome, they make me strong, compassionate, and empathetic.

It's the fat thing. I am a smart, strong, accomplished woman, but I can not move beyond being the fat chick. I can not seem to do anything consistently about it. I need motivation, direction, something to get me to the point where not doing it is no longer an option. But instead, I sit, I don't do anything, I feel sorry for myself, and hate myself.

So, what do I do?? How do I overcome my last addiction? I have no answer right now, any suggestions?

Giving Thanks...

So this week is Thanksgiving and I like to remember all the things in my life I am thankful for. This year, I am going to start at the beginning.

I am Thankful for:

My birth mother for giving me up for adoption
My parents for adopting me and trying their best, and for getting divorced and remarried
All my teachers in school
My brother, for making me a sister
My friends when I was growing up, and my friends now for some of the same reasons, and some new ones as well
My addiction, without it, I would not know how strong I am
My sobriety, without it I would be dead
My husband, for showing me what it is like to care for someone so much, that even when things seem hopeless, you fight for each other
My husband, for making me laugh like no one else can
My husband, for my kids
My son, for being the light of my life, for being thoughtful, generous and sweet
My daughter, for being the sunshine in my morning, for being funny, sweet and caring
My children, for everything I learn from them every day

And last but not least....

Myself, for being a person who can admit her mistakes, learn from them, change the things that aren't working, go back to school at 41, wait tables so I can raise my kids, is funny, makes people smile, fights for the people I love, loves the people in my life ferociously, sings better than some people on the radio, plays with my kids like I am still one myself, stays sober through rough times that might send other people right to a bar, loves sports and also is pretty girly at times ;), is a good mom to a boy and a good mom to a girl, which sometimes is no easy task.

Be thankful for even the littlest things, they bundle up all together and make us who we are.

My daughter may be trying to kill me...

I am pretty scared for my life at this point. My daughter may be trying to kill me, I am not sure, but the evidence is pretty compelling. All the times my mother wished upon me a daughter like myself may finally be coming back to haunt me. The root of the problem? She is exactly like me...I am so screwed:(

The attitude, the sense of humor. The screaming, the singing. The drama, the performer. All the best and worst qualities of me! What do I do with this??? How do I survive myself as a child, or even worse...as a teenager???? I can not do it, I am scared, stressed and a little psychotic about the whole endeavor!

So what do we, the mothers of independent, free thinking, unique daughters have to look forward to? Hopefully not the things my mom had to deal with...police stations, hospitals, court rooms. Maybe just the good parts...not being a follower, not being afraid to speak her mind, not being too shy to get up in front of a room full of people and sing/act/tell jokes...whatever! All the things that make her difficult (sometimes) also make her amazing (always).

So, what to do...do we trade all the "crazy" for easy, or do we embrace the insanity and be happy? I guess aside from the previously mentioned negatives (police et. al.) I am not the worst thing in the world. OK, maybe she isn't trying to kill me, just keep me on my toes.

Tune in next time for...My son is awesome (or maybe he sees his bat shit crazy sister's behavior and knows how to play me like a fiddle?) ;)

Then people started dying...

The day when I first began to understand that I was gonna die, was many years ago. I was drinking a lot, on some pretty crazy drugs, and not terribly interested in being alive. I survived myself, obviously, and started living a better life. I cared about being here more. I took care of myself. I got married, I had babies.

Then people started dying...I lost lots of people in my life, including my step-father, which was so hard, but the death of two women I didn't even know, except to say hello to, seems to have me in a state of complete chaos.

Michelle Jones, 31, died in a car accident on Monday, November 8th and Michelle Skounakis, 41, died of a heart attack on Friday, November 12th. Both mothers from Vernon had two children. They do the same things my kids do, cheer, dance, play soccer, trick or treat, go to school, all the things every kid does. But now they do it all without a mommy. My worst fear on earth is at my doorstep. Who would do my daughters hair for her ballet recitals if I wasn't here? Who would watch my son in his karate tournament with the pride only a mother can have? No one, not like me.

So, now what? How do I get over the constant feeling that something terrible is going to happen? Feeling nauseous all the time? The stress? I am not sure right now what the answers are. I hope to figure them out soon. I guess for now I will cheer louder than anyone else, make sure they know that I love them, try to keep calmness and patience in my heart and mind, and live. Just live, like you never know when it will all be over, because we don't.

I need to be put in time out...

So here's the thing...why can't we appreciate how awesome childhood is, when we are children? I would love to be off all summer, and just be able to play and eat snacks all day! Who wouldn't love that? But...time out...aaahhhh, now that sounds amazing! Mommy, I am hungry...can't help you, I'm on time out :(. Mommy, I need help with_______ (homework, cleaning my room, walking/feeding the dog)....sorry :( I am on time out. Babe...you need to clean the house, do the laundry, wash the dishes...awwwww, too bad...time out:)

If we can just take a time out every day, just for ourselves, maybe we would be more sane? I mean wouldn't that be awesome? So maybe this is like my time out. It doesn't cost anything, it doesn't take me away from home or my family when they may need me. It doesn't prevent me from studying for school, so maybe this is it.

I need some time outs. BIG time!