Well, I haven't written in quite a while. So much has happened in the last few years...most recently, I celebrated 20 years sober...most painfully, I got left.
Getting left is fucking awful. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. It's just the getting left part. It hurts, a lot. I've never thought I was pretty, I need to lose a substantial amount of weight...but I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm a good girl. When I love, I do it with my whole heart. But I didn't get that back. I wasn't really well loved.
I feel very unspecial. I feel very betrayed. I feel so sad. I want to understand...why am I so disposable? I feel like a piece of trash discarded like a piece of clothing that is too worn to wear out anymore.
My friends are worried I will drink again, I am taking care of myself on that level. I want to hurt myself, I won't, but I want to. I'm sad because my kids are devastated. Will they wonder why it was so easy to leave me? I don't want them to think of me that way. I want them to see me as the strong woman I'm trying to be. It's hard to be strong for other people.
I know a lot of people who know what this feels like. I'm sad for them. I'm sad for me. Mostly I want to feel like I matter, like I'm important and special. My friends are amazing, and they love me, but there's a huge hole in my soul right now. I'm not sure how to fill it.
I think writing again is good for me. Xo
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Shame...shame...shame...
So I am perpetually on the quest to diet/get in shape, and I am constantly failing. I am scared of failing, so I set myself up to fail. I am so ashamed of myself for what I have become. Not ashamed of being an alcoholic, meth addicted, shopaholic, problem gambler...ashamed of being fat. I am at the end of my rope. No "normal" advice will help. The you can do it, go for it, try this, try that shit does nothing for me. I will smile and I will say thanks, I will try that...blah blah blah. But...I loathe myself. Is there a fucking cheer for that? Can anyone say anything (other than call a therapist you fucked up bitch) that will begin to break this wall that was started when I was 8 years old? I have spent 36 years building this wall, I am trapped behind it. I hate myself, I make a plan, I sabotage myself, I hate myself more...add another brick to the wall.
I have been trying to do the C25K program, I am not nearly where I should be to be with the group, but the group is not all carrying an extra 140 pounds each. I am embarrassed to go with them, so I try to do it on my own, and I hate it.
I need this to get better before anything else does, and I am fresh out of ideas.
Shame is the motivation behind all the bad habbits in my life, so I guess I need to begin there. UGH!!!! Usually I am so funny and upbeat... ;) That is how I make sure no one else can get me. I am funny, I make jokes about being fat, this way no one else can make one first. Sucks.
I have been trying to do the C25K program, I am not nearly where I should be to be with the group, but the group is not all carrying an extra 140 pounds each. I am embarrassed to go with them, so I try to do it on my own, and I hate it.
I need this to get better before anything else does, and I am fresh out of ideas.
Shame is the motivation behind all the bad habbits in my life, so I guess I need to begin there. UGH!!!! Usually I am so funny and upbeat... ;) That is how I make sure no one else can get me. I am funny, I make jokes about being fat, this way no one else can make one first. Sucks.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
To The Little Voice In My Head...Shut the F*^k Up...Thank You.
So, everyone has this voice in their head. Some warn you of danger (I don't have that), some tell you what you are about to do is not a good idea (Nope, not that one either), some tell you how awesome you are (Ha! Nope...) and some are pretty fucked up and mean (Yes!! That's the one/ones!).
I have this never ending barrage of insults being spewed at me from the time I wake up, until I go to sleep at night. You are not smart enough, not good enough, too fat, not pretty...yada, yada, yada. If anyone else spoke to me like this, I'd kill them...for real. I am "healthier" now then I used to be, but it is still there. It is the reason I make fat jokes, if I say it first, you don't have to wonder if I know that I am fat, it's out there...this girl is fat, not blind. People really hate it, and I am sorry, I find it hard to help it.
I recently attended my 25th High School (I was a size 6) Reunion (I am not a size 6 anymore) and I must say...it was rough. I am the girl...the one who no one can recognize because I look like High School me ate herself...twice. I did not dance...people would be like...who is that fat shit, and why is she having fun? Doesn't she know she is fat...and therefore should have none? I was happy to see some people that I haven't seen in years, but I am so narcissistic that I assume they are all STILL talking about how I look (probably not though...I stopped talking about the drunk chick in like a day or two...) and I assume they are laughing at me. Don't tell me we are all grown ups and that shit stopped 20 years ago...it did not. If you are being totally honest, you know I am right.
Then there is this other weird voice. At first it will seem like a sweet voice. It tells me how awesome it will all be. It tells me...yes, your kids will be well behaved tonight because they love you so much...it tells me people will come through and do the things I want just because I want them. It seems sweet, no? The problem...I believe that things will go how I want, just because I do. I am like an eternal optimist. Today, I started out with the standard hope for the best and prepare for the worst, as I was meeting with my boss to find out if I was to be hired full time. By the time we met, I 100% knew I would be hired (in the morning I 100% knew I would not be hired), and I was not. I will still be per diem, but not hired full time. Not so sweet after all. Then the other voice (so mean) comes back...not good enough...and all that jazz.
Then...I want to drown my sorrows in the only vice I have left...food. But I can not (and did not) as I am on a diet.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel so fucking hard (does that make sense...it does to me) and when I get in my (mean) head I forget all the accomplishments I have had over the years. I am just disappointed today, and kind of pissy. I will live on, I will be hired full time, I will stop waitressing, I will lose weight, I will dance again (LOL) and it will all be ok...for now, I am probably gonna cry some more, and maybe eat a weight watchers ice cream bar :(
I have this never ending barrage of insults being spewed at me from the time I wake up, until I go to sleep at night. You are not smart enough, not good enough, too fat, not pretty...yada, yada, yada. If anyone else spoke to me like this, I'd kill them...for real. I am "healthier" now then I used to be, but it is still there. It is the reason I make fat jokes, if I say it first, you don't have to wonder if I know that I am fat, it's out there...this girl is fat, not blind. People really hate it, and I am sorry, I find it hard to help it.
I recently attended my 25th High School (I was a size 6) Reunion (I am not a size 6 anymore) and I must say...it was rough. I am the girl...the one who no one can recognize because I look like High School me ate herself...twice. I did not dance...people would be like...who is that fat shit, and why is she having fun? Doesn't she know she is fat...and therefore should have none? I was happy to see some people that I haven't seen in years, but I am so narcissistic that I assume they are all STILL talking about how I look (probably not though...I stopped talking about the drunk chick in like a day or two...) and I assume they are laughing at me. Don't tell me we are all grown ups and that shit stopped 20 years ago...it did not. If you are being totally honest, you know I am right.
Then there is this other weird voice. At first it will seem like a sweet voice. It tells me how awesome it will all be. It tells me...yes, your kids will be well behaved tonight because they love you so much...it tells me people will come through and do the things I want just because I want them. It seems sweet, no? The problem...I believe that things will go how I want, just because I do. I am like an eternal optimist. Today, I started out with the standard hope for the best and prepare for the worst, as I was meeting with my boss to find out if I was to be hired full time. By the time we met, I 100% knew I would be hired (in the morning I 100% knew I would not be hired), and I was not. I will still be per diem, but not hired full time. Not so sweet after all. Then the other voice (so mean) comes back...not good enough...and all that jazz.
Then...I want to drown my sorrows in the only vice I have left...food. But I can not (and did not) as I am on a diet.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel so fucking hard (does that make sense...it does to me) and when I get in my (mean) head I forget all the accomplishments I have had over the years. I am just disappointed today, and kind of pissy. I will live on, I will be hired full time, I will stop waitressing, I will lose weight, I will dance again (LOL) and it will all be ok...for now, I am probably gonna cry some more, and maybe eat a weight watchers ice cream bar :(
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Dear 16 Year Old Me,
I got the idea to write this letter from a video that is currently making the rounds on Facebook. The video made me cry, and worry about all the sunburns I have had, as it is about skin cancer. I thought writing a letter to me as a 16 year old was a great idea, so here it goes.
Dear 16 Year Old Me (Lisa),
So, where do I begin? I want to tell you so much about how you are living your life and I am not sure where to start. I guess I want you to know that you are beautiful, funny and smart. You actually CAN do anything you set your mind to, that's not just smoke being blown up your ass ;)
You are thin, already kind of too thin. You are not fat, so please stop obsessing about your weight, not eating, purging, and experimenting with drugs that make you lose weight. This is really the beginning of something awful and very destructive. Wearing a size 6 cheerleader skirt is not an indication that you need a diet...trust me.
No one has ever told you this, you can be OK alone. You can go off to college and be OK. You are bright, very street smart as it turns out, and incredibly resourceful. Stop being afraid to fail, and go for it! Not doing this will end up being the biggest regret in your life.
You have some wonderful friends. Some of them will stick by all your bullshit forever and others will not. They all love you in one way or another, treat them respectfully. You will have lots to apologize for as you get older, be open to that and understand that you have to take responsibility for the choices you make. Not everyone will forgive you, and you will get as much from them as from those who do.
Attend school. Stop cutting classes, Do your work. You are smart enough to be anything you want to be, you are the only one who doesn't know that. Being in school in your 40's is not a picnic.
Some boys are going to do something to you that will change your life forever. It will not be your fault, you will have done nothing to provoke it, or ask for it. Please, do not let it define you. It will be the catalyst for the next 10 years of addiction, self injury, and suicide attempts. Please get help right away instead of waiting for 5 years to tell anyone. You deserve better. You will not listen to this advice, I am sure, just survive it, eventually you will deal with it as you need to.
Some day, you will get better from all these things. You will be a grown up, sober and happy. You will be married and have the most amazing children. Even if this letter is ignored and everything goes the same, you will still get better. When you ask why you lived through this all, when so many people you knew died, the answer will become clear when your first child is born. It will become even more clear when your second child is born, and every night you look at them while they sleep.
I wish that I actually received this letter when I was 16, but having been a 16 year old, I am sure it would not have mattered. I love you, I should have loved you more then, but I do love you now and so do lot's of others.
Be kind to yourself,
Alissa
Dear 16 Year Old Me (Lisa),
So, where do I begin? I want to tell you so much about how you are living your life and I am not sure where to start. I guess I want you to know that you are beautiful, funny and smart. You actually CAN do anything you set your mind to, that's not just smoke being blown up your ass ;)
You are thin, already kind of too thin. You are not fat, so please stop obsessing about your weight, not eating, purging, and experimenting with drugs that make you lose weight. This is really the beginning of something awful and very destructive. Wearing a size 6 cheerleader skirt is not an indication that you need a diet...trust me.
No one has ever told you this, you can be OK alone. You can go off to college and be OK. You are bright, very street smart as it turns out, and incredibly resourceful. Stop being afraid to fail, and go for it! Not doing this will end up being the biggest regret in your life.
You have some wonderful friends. Some of them will stick by all your bullshit forever and others will not. They all love you in one way or another, treat them respectfully. You will have lots to apologize for as you get older, be open to that and understand that you have to take responsibility for the choices you make. Not everyone will forgive you, and you will get as much from them as from those who do.
Attend school. Stop cutting classes, Do your work. You are smart enough to be anything you want to be, you are the only one who doesn't know that. Being in school in your 40's is not a picnic.
Some boys are going to do something to you that will change your life forever. It will not be your fault, you will have done nothing to provoke it, or ask for it. Please, do not let it define you. It will be the catalyst for the next 10 years of addiction, self injury, and suicide attempts. Please get help right away instead of waiting for 5 years to tell anyone. You deserve better. You will not listen to this advice, I am sure, just survive it, eventually you will deal with it as you need to.
Some day, you will get better from all these things. You will be a grown up, sober and happy. You will be married and have the most amazing children. Even if this letter is ignored and everything goes the same, you will still get better. When you ask why you lived through this all, when so many people you knew died, the answer will become clear when your first child is born. It will become even more clear when your second child is born, and every night you look at them while they sleep.
I wish that I actually received this letter when I was 16, but having been a 16 year old, I am sure it would not have mattered. I love you, I should have loved you more then, but I do love you now and so do lot's of others.
Be kind to yourself,
Alissa
Monday, September 19, 2011
For A Friend
So, I have this friend, who has a friend, that I know a little bit. She is in a lot of trouble right now, and my friend thinks I can help her. I have no way of getting in touch with her, so maybe she will read this...
I was a junkie. A souless, theiving, fiending, meth addicted junkie 16 years ago. I drank more than anyone I ever met, and I had no care in the worlk for my life or anyone elses. This January I will be sober 16 years if all goes according to plan. I am not the same person I used to be at all.
The purpose of this is to say to you, I have been where you are right now. I am thankful I did not have my kids yet, and then decision you made for yours was the best one you could make right now. You are not a worthless piece of shit, and I wasn't either. I always felt just not quite as good as everyone else. I was kind of an outsider in my own life. I know we were both adopted, my parents were divorced and remaried. I lived with my mom, stepdad and their natural son growing up...I felt like I was a guest in their families house. All of that was just from my head, no one told me that, it was just me.
There is hope, and if you need help you can message me privately and I will keep your confidences. I assume at this point if you are reading this you know who you are...I love your friend very much, and she loves you very much, so I needed to try to reach out to you. If you are not ready or this yet, I get it. But if you want to stop not living, and get this shit behind you, I will be there for you whenever you need.
I never thought I would live out of my 20's, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams now. T just wants you to have one too :) xoxo
I was a junkie. A souless, theiving, fiending, meth addicted junkie 16 years ago. I drank more than anyone I ever met, and I had no care in the worlk for my life or anyone elses. This January I will be sober 16 years if all goes according to plan. I am not the same person I used to be at all.
The purpose of this is to say to you, I have been where you are right now. I am thankful I did not have my kids yet, and then decision you made for yours was the best one you could make right now. You are not a worthless piece of shit, and I wasn't either. I always felt just not quite as good as everyone else. I was kind of an outsider in my own life. I know we were both adopted, my parents were divorced and remaried. I lived with my mom, stepdad and their natural son growing up...I felt like I was a guest in their families house. All of that was just from my head, no one told me that, it was just me.
There is hope, and if you need help you can message me privately and I will keep your confidences. I assume at this point if you are reading this you know who you are...I love your friend very much, and she loves you very much, so I needed to try to reach out to you. If you are not ready or this yet, I get it. But if you want to stop not living, and get this shit behind you, I will be there for you whenever you need.
I never thought I would live out of my 20's, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams now. T just wants you to have one too :) xoxo
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy." Martin Luther King Jr.
"All of a sudden there were people screaming. I saw people jumping out of the building. Their arms were flailing. I stopped taking pictures and started crying." Michael Walters, a freelance photo journalist in Manhattan
As I looked over my left shoulder to merge onto Route 3, so I could just get home, to comfort and what I thought of as safety, the skyline I loved for my entire life was covered in black smoke. I never look at it the same. I never see it through the same eyes. It always seems smoke covered to me. I usually still tear up driving off 3 onto 1&9 to visit my dad.
Bin Laden is dead and people were cheering in the streets. The towers fell and people were cheering in the streets. This day, September 11th is a day that is with me all the time. I still cry about it. I still don't feel the same as I did before it. I mourn the loss of the views of my childhood from my fathers window and Liberty State Park where I played as a little girl. It still makes me want to vomit.
I am not sad that he is dead, I am just not rejoicing in it. I don't feel there is any more resolve or justice than there was yesterday. I feel that hundreds of people are waiting to fill his shoes. I feel like I will never understand a people that are willing to train 12 year old boys and girls to blow themselves up. I feel like people who celebrate death, lose part of their soul. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate. It all makes me feel so sick.
So, what does it all mean? I have no idea. I just know from talking to people, more people feel like this than I thought. Not everyone, that's for sure. Everyone is entitled to feel however they want, this is the United States of America. I try to teach my children as we go in life, and I will never teach them that it is OK to celebrate the death of anyone. War is war, and what needs to be done, needs to be done; I just don't get the celebration. Thousands of people died on September 11th; 2606 at the World Trade Center (plus 1 from a lung condition since the attack), 87 on American Flight 11, 60 on United Flight 75, 125 at the Pentagon, 59 on American Flight 77, and 40 on United Flight 93 in a field in Shanksville PA. The death of one madman will do nothing at all to make any of that any easier to swallow.
As I looked over my left shoulder to merge onto Route 3, so I could just get home, to comfort and what I thought of as safety, the skyline I loved for my entire life was covered in black smoke. I never look at it the same. I never see it through the same eyes. It always seems smoke covered to me. I usually still tear up driving off 3 onto 1&9 to visit my dad.
Bin Laden is dead and people were cheering in the streets. The towers fell and people were cheering in the streets. This day, September 11th is a day that is with me all the time. I still cry about it. I still don't feel the same as I did before it. I mourn the loss of the views of my childhood from my fathers window and Liberty State Park where I played as a little girl. It still makes me want to vomit.
I am not sad that he is dead, I am just not rejoicing in it. I don't feel there is any more resolve or justice than there was yesterday. I feel that hundreds of people are waiting to fill his shoes. I feel like I will never understand a people that are willing to train 12 year old boys and girls to blow themselves up. I feel like people who celebrate death, lose part of their soul. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate. It all makes me feel so sick.
So, what does it all mean? I have no idea. I just know from talking to people, more people feel like this than I thought. Not everyone, that's for sure. Everyone is entitled to feel however they want, this is the United States of America. I try to teach my children as we go in life, and I will never teach them that it is OK to celebrate the death of anyone. War is war, and what needs to be done, needs to be done; I just don't get the celebration. Thousands of people died on September 11th; 2606 at the World Trade Center (plus 1 from a lung condition since the attack), 87 on American Flight 11, 60 on United Flight 75, 125 at the Pentagon, 59 on American Flight 77, and 40 on United Flight 93 in a field in Shanksville PA. The death of one madman will do nothing at all to make any of that any easier to swallow.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
No One Knows What It's Like To Be The Sad Man...
Does anyone really know anyone else? I have found out things about people I never would have known, and it has made me think about the way people view each other and treat each other. Imagine this popular high school girl, pretty, thin, seems to have it all. Did you know she goes home to a household where one of her parents is an alcoholic? Did you know the pretty blonde with the brand new sports car has a mother who doesn't give a damn about her? The adorable waitress who just took your order has a baby at home with a tracheotomy? The nice Jewish girl from Tenafly used to smoke meth? The boy in the corner is suicidal because he is gay and his father is a bigot? The little boy never speaks, and acts out because someone is molesting him? No one knows what it's like to walk in someone elses shoes, unless they have. Why then, do we not treat people with respect? I can not tell you how many times a customer has been so rude to me that I have been brought to tears.
When did people stop teaching their children manners? A guy I work with said he thought, based on how parents will allow their children to speak to waiters, everyone should have to take a mandatory manners class in school, along with Math, English, etc. Brilliant idea!! Then the schools can pick up the slack for what many parents are not doing at home. And what of envy, and jealousy; two of the most useless things on earth as far as I am concerned? Looking at the popular cheerleader in high school, or the captain of the football team, when you are a 15 year old, who is less popular, is brutal. I had friend, and I use that term loosely, who upon getting engaged told me "well, it's not as big as your ring, but..." WOW!! Really? I said to her, survive my life and you can have it. Live through all I have, and I will give you the friggen ring, no problem. You have no idea what I have lived through, even those of you who think you know my story, unless you heard me speak at a meeting, you do not know it all. Do not want what I have, my life is not about that. I am just happy to have survived.
As for the people in the beginning of this...they are real people, they have survived their lives to this point, and they are amazing people. Most of us who have had a rough road appreciate what we have just a little bit more, I know I do. So the next time you feel the need to treat someone in a way you would not like to be treated, think about this; this person is someones child, parent, friend, sibling, how would you like it if someone spoke to your mother, child, spouse, or sibling, the way you speak to your nanny, hair stylist, waitress, check out person at the grocery store, sales person at the mall? I tell my kids before you do something, ask yourself, "will this make my mommy proud?" if the answer is no, don't do it! Not a bad idea :)
When did people stop teaching their children manners? A guy I work with said he thought, based on how parents will allow their children to speak to waiters, everyone should have to take a mandatory manners class in school, along with Math, English, etc. Brilliant idea!! Then the schools can pick up the slack for what many parents are not doing at home. And what of envy, and jealousy; two of the most useless things on earth as far as I am concerned? Looking at the popular cheerleader in high school, or the captain of the football team, when you are a 15 year old, who is less popular, is brutal. I had friend, and I use that term loosely, who upon getting engaged told me "well, it's not as big as your ring, but..." WOW!! Really? I said to her, survive my life and you can have it. Live through all I have, and I will give you the friggen ring, no problem. You have no idea what I have lived through, even those of you who think you know my story, unless you heard me speak at a meeting, you do not know it all. Do not want what I have, my life is not about that. I am just happy to have survived.
As for the people in the beginning of this...they are real people, they have survived their lives to this point, and they are amazing people. Most of us who have had a rough road appreciate what we have just a little bit more, I know I do. So the next time you feel the need to treat someone in a way you would not like to be treated, think about this; this person is someones child, parent, friend, sibling, how would you like it if someone spoke to your mother, child, spouse, or sibling, the way you speak to your nanny, hair stylist, waitress, check out person at the grocery store, sales person at the mall? I tell my kids before you do something, ask yourself, "will this make my mommy proud?" if the answer is no, don't do it! Not a bad idea :)
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