The day when I first began to understand that I was gonna die, was many years ago. I was drinking a lot, on some pretty crazy drugs, and not terribly interested in being alive. I survived myself, obviously, and started living a better life. I cared about being here more. I took care of myself. I got married, I had babies.
Then people started dying...I lost lots of people in my life, including my step-father, which was so hard, but the death of two women I didn't even know, except to say hello to, seems to have me in a state of complete chaos.
Michelle Jones, 31, died in a car accident on Monday, November 8th and Michelle Skounakis, 41, died of a heart attack on Friday, November 12th. Both mothers from Vernon had two children. They do the same things my kids do, cheer, dance, play soccer, trick or treat, go to school, all the things every kid does. But now they do it all without a mommy. My worst fear on earth is at my doorstep. Who would do my daughters hair for her ballet recitals if I wasn't here? Who would watch my son in his karate tournament with the pride only a mother can have? No one, not like me.
So, now what? How do I get over the constant feeling that something terrible is going to happen? Feeling nauseous all the time? The stress? I am not sure right now what the answers are. I hope to figure them out soon. I guess for now I will cheer louder than anyone else, make sure they know that I love them, try to keep calmness and patience in my heart and mind, and live. Just live, like you never know when it will all be over, because we don't.
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