After Christmas, 2003

The presents were probably almost all put away by now. Jonah was 18 months old, I wonder what he got that year for Chanukah and Christmas? I was very much ready to relax, and take some much needed time off from work and everything for that matter! I remember we had planned to be at a New Years Eve party right down the street at Myke and Mindy's house. I remember looking forward to it.

It was December 30, 2003. I was not feeling so well. I remember I had lunch plans for the next day with my friend Kerry, I was looking forward to that as well. I had a life beyond my wildest dreams at that point. A wonderful husband, a beautiful son, a great dog, what more could I dare to ask for. I was, however, not feeling well...

There came a time when I had to make a decision, to call for help. I needed a doctors opinion, and I needed my sister-in-law to babysit Jonah. I had to go into the hospital, I was starting to feel worse and worse, there was a substantial amount of pain, and I was a bit nervous. This was not supposed to be happening on this night. There were lunch plans, and parties, and I was not supposed to be on my way to the hospital at 8PM...not on this night.

I called Kerry on the way to cancel our lunch, I was calm at this point. I remember getting there and getting scared...I had been through all of this before, but it can still be pretty nerve racking. Time passed, people arrived, and I was waiting for it all to be over. I had surgery that night, and at 12:45 AM it was pretty much over. 12:45 AM, December 31, 2003, New Years Eve.

I was in recovery for several hours after that, the anticipation almost unbearable. I already knew so much about her. Her weight; 9 pounds 9 ounces, her name; Cassidy Rae Moore, but I had yet to hold her. When I finally did, my life was complete.

I remember when my son was born, the first thing I felt when I kissed him for the first time was understanding. I understood why God chose to keep me alive after all the alcohol, drugs and car accident that almost killed me. Conversely, the first time I held my daughter, I felt relief. I knew that if I never accomplished another thing for the rest of my life, I was sober, and I had a pretty big part in creating two beautiful human beings that began amazing me the second they were born, and have never stopped.

So, in 2 days she will be 7. I can not believe it has been 7 years already. Every day there are amazing and wonderful things I learn from being her mother, I hope when she is older she can say the same. I have since gone on to accomplish more things, and will hopefully continue to do so, but nothing makes me prouder than my sobriety, and my beautiful children.

Just like starting over...

I joined Minerals Spa today, and I am taking a spin class tomorrow at 9:15 AM. I feel like this is it, I will finally do it! I have, in all honesty felt like this before, but I have never had Louise with me. I fully believe she would pull me out of my house by my hair if I said I was not going to the gym. 100% believe that. Not a doubt in my mind.

I have, however, changed my idea of why I am going there. Yes, I need/want to lose quite a bit of weight, but I do not have my goal as "to be skinny" anymore. I wanna be STRONG! I am mentally strong, even spiritually strong, now it is time for the physical to match the rest of it. I have done pretty much every thing I ever said I was going to do, so now it's time for this.

I will start tomorrow at 9:15 AM. I will get strong and healthy, in the process I will get thin as well. I think I have never been able to do this, because my goals were screwed up. I need to stop jamming my head full of negativity. If I think I am not worth it, I'm not.

So, here's to tomorrow! Bring it on, I am ready for the challenge. I deserve this :)

Really? Is this all I am?????

I am lots of things. A daughter, a sister, a step-daughter, a neice, a cousin, a wife, a mother, a friend, a waitress, a student, an alcoholic, a drug addict, a compulsive shopper, a compulsive gambler, a fat chick.

I am ok with all but one of these. I love all my interpersonal relationships, there are moments when some of them are a bit taxing, but I would never give any of them up, not even for a second. I would also never give up the problems I have overcome, they make me strong, compassionate, and empathetic.

It's the fat thing. I am a smart, strong, accomplished woman, but I can not move beyond being the fat chick. I can not seem to do anything consistently about it. I need motivation, direction, something to get me to the point where not doing it is no longer an option. But instead, I sit, I don't do anything, I feel sorry for myself, and hate myself.

So, what do I do?? How do I overcome my last addiction? I have no answer right now, any suggestions?