Well, I haven't written in quite a while. So much has happened in the last few years...most recently, I celebrated 20 years sober...most painfully, I got left.
Getting left is fucking awful. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. It's just the getting left part. It hurts, a lot. I've never thought I was pretty, I need to lose a substantial amount of weight...but I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm a good girl. When I love, I do it with my whole heart. But I didn't get that back. I wasn't really well loved.
I feel very unspecial. I feel very betrayed. I feel so sad. I want to understand...why am I so disposable? I feel like a piece of trash discarded like a piece of clothing that is too worn to wear out anymore.
My friends are worried I will drink again, I am taking care of myself on that level. I want to hurt myself, I won't, but I want to. I'm sad because my kids are devastated. Will they wonder why it was so easy to leave me? I don't want them to think of me that way. I want them to see me as the strong woman I'm trying to be. It's hard to be strong for other people.
I know a lot of people who know what this feels like. I'm sad for them. I'm sad for me. Mostly I want to feel like I matter, like I'm important and special. My friends are amazing, and they love me, but there's a huge hole in my soul right now. I'm not sure how to fill it.
I think writing again is good for me. Xo
I know how you feel. I've been there. Hell I'm still working through being alone and having been cheated on by too many exes. It really does make you question your worth and wonder how it keeps happening. What am I doing wrong? How am I attracting these losers? You're children will never wonder how it was easy for him to leave you. Their minds wouldn't even go there. They will do the same as you and question their worth wondering why he left and was it something they did. As long as they are reassured it had nothing to do with them they will be fine. Don't beat yourself up. It will take time but little by little you will realize what will fill that hole and mostly it will be yourself, your kids and then little by little other people and passions you find along the way to finding yourself again. Keep your chin up and remember there is always someone out here to talk to. Sometimes, you don't want to put that burden on your family or close friends especially if you feel like you have been a burden in the past in any way. You're emotions are raw so you will internalize it all. If it feels better to talk to someone less connected to everything and a bit ore impartial but understands where you're coming from never hesitate to reach out to me.
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