Well, I haven't written in quite a while. So much has happened in the last few years...most recently, I celebrated 20 years sober...most painfully, I got left.
Getting left is fucking awful. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. It's just the getting left part. It hurts, a lot. I've never thought I was pretty, I need to lose a substantial amount of weight...but I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm a good girl. When I love, I do it with my whole heart. But I didn't get that back. I wasn't really well loved.
I feel very unspecial. I feel very betrayed. I feel so sad. I want to understand...why am I so disposable? I feel like a piece of trash discarded like a piece of clothing that is too worn to wear out anymore.
My friends are worried I will drink again, I am taking care of myself on that level. I want to hurt myself, I won't, but I want to. I'm sad because my kids are devastated. Will they wonder why it was so easy to leave me? I don't want them to think of me that way. I want them to see me as the strong woman I'm trying to be. It's hard to be strong for other people.
I know a lot of people who know what this feels like. I'm sad for them. I'm sad for me. Mostly I want to feel like I matter, like I'm important and special. My friends are amazing, and they love me, but there's a huge hole in my soul right now. I'm not sure how to fill it.
I think writing again is good for me. Xo
