The Ghost of January 21st...past

I mentioned before that my career of drinking and drug abuse ended with quite a bang, a car accident to be exact. January 21, 1996 was the night of my last drink. It is also the night I tried to kill myself. I spend a tremendous amount of time being grateful I did not succeed.

What if I had? Here is my ghost of Christmas past type moment...

If I had succeeded in killing myself that night 15 years ago...

I would never have known what love was. I don't think a person can began to understand the unending vastness of love and what that means until you have a child. Natural, adopted or through marriage, loving a child is like loving no other.

I would have never known anyone of my own flesh and blood. I was adopted, and as it turns out, my birth mother died when I was two. My kids are the only people on earth "like" me.

I would have never been a wife. Being a wife to my husband is one of the greatest joys in my life. It requires work at times, there are sometimes tears, there is usually laughter, there is always love.

I would have never thanked my mom. She put up with a boat load of shit :)

I would have never been able to tell my brother this...I am sober because of you. Crashing my car was not my "bottom" seeing you see me after the accident was. I could no longer deny what I was doing to people, and I didn't think you deserved me as an example, so I got sober. I stayed sober because of me, but I credit you with kind of saving my life. I am not sure if he will read this, but I hope he knows it. There are several more people who saved my life; Erica Z, Kerrie O, Susan S to name a few. I love you ladies with all I have.

I never would have been an aunt. I have these amazing loves in my life, Stephanie, Ozzie, and Juliette (in age order so no one thinks I am playing favorites:)). Loving a niece or a nephew is the same joy as loving your own child, but they go home to someone else...excellent!

I never would have known myself. I am just now figuring it all out! I am a pretty happy person. I feel lucky every single day I wake up. I love my life and those I share it with.

I never would have been a good friend. Then I was not, at all. Now I am, I hope. I am grateful for those of you who have known me forever and gave me the chance to get well, and who stuck it out. You have taught me so much about love and forgiveness. I am grateful for the one who has not, you have taught me as well. I hope one day you will.

I never would have met the remarkable women I am friends with today, that have added to the amazing friendships I have had for years. I am so lucky to have you all.

So, in this time of great reflection for me, January, I was thinking about all these things. There is one more thing I never would have done, been there for a friend the other day when she said she felt like I did that night. She said she wanted to talk to me, she respected my experience, strength, and hope, and I helped her. That in turn helps me. I am glad I was there for her, and I am proud of who I am.

So I am pretty happy things turned out the way they did that night. It seems unreal that at the age of 26 I knew nothing, but when I look at this list, it seems I did not.

An Attitude of Gratitude

New Years Eve I had to work. Knowing I would not make it home in time to kiss my hubby at midnight, some friends graciously allowed me to invite myself to their house to ring in the New Year. We ate some Sushi, and toasted with milk shakes as the ball dropped completing 2010 and ringing in 2011. It was great, I missed my husband, but it was a nice way to ring in the year.

We chatted about the things one chats about in their 40's...mostly our kids and what not. It was during this chatting that I was paid the best compliment I think I have ever received. My friend Jennifer said that she had never met someone who was more grateful for their life than me. I have not been able to stop thinking about this since.

I am grateful for my life. In the most basic sense, I am grateful to be alive. In a broader sense, I am grateful for all the people and things I have in my life. The fact of the matter is, I should be dead. Every day that I am alive, is really a gift. I know how cliche that sounds, but it's true. I would say if I had not gotten sober when I did, I would be dead. I say that with 99.9% certainty. Knowing that is pretty powerful. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for my life, I just never thought anyone else saw me that way.

I think there are a million things a person can be called; pretty, smart, funny, talented, handsome, etc. but this is the best compliment I have ever been paid. Why? That is the question. I guess to me it means that being in recovery is no longer what I am, it is who I am. I was sober for a great many years while still having addict behavior. I can become addicted like that! Shopping, gambling, smoking, you name it, if it makes you feel good for a hot second...I am in! But I am not living that way anymore. I am recovering, every day, every way. It is who I am, and people can see it, and that makes me feel good.

I am so lucky in many ways, and I have created an amazing life for myself. It doesn't require a tremendous amount of money, or designer clothes, it is just a place of love and family. I am amazed every day that I have these kids, my husband, the friends I have, the family we share. I saw a story on Nightline last week on Beyonce (lol) and she did a documentary of her life on the road, kind of raw and uncut. In it she says, ""...I don't know why God chose this for my life..." on a much different scale, I feel the same way.

So thank you Jennifer, for seeing me and knowing me and for letting me know that I am putting who I am out there for people to receive if they choose to. I love you too :)