I got the idea to write this letter from a video that is currently making the rounds on Facebook. The video made me cry, and worry about all the sunburns I have had, as it is about skin cancer. I thought writing a letter to me as a 16 year old was a great idea, so here it goes.
Dear 16 Year Old Me (Lisa),
So, where do I begin? I want to tell you so much about how you are living your life and I am not sure where to start. I guess I want you to know that you are beautiful, funny and smart. You actually CAN do anything you set your mind to, that's not just smoke being blown up your ass ;)
You are thin, already kind of too thin. You are not fat, so please stop obsessing about your weight, not eating, purging, and experimenting with drugs that make you lose weight. This is really the beginning of something awful and very destructive. Wearing a size 6 cheerleader skirt is not an indication that you need a diet...trust me.
No one has ever told you this, you can be OK alone. You can go off to college and be OK. You are bright, very street smart as it turns out, and incredibly resourceful. Stop being afraid to fail, and go for it! Not doing this will end up being the biggest regret in your life.
You have some wonderful friends. Some of them will stick by all your bullshit forever and others will not. They all love you in one way or another, treat them respectfully. You will have lots to apologize for as you get older, be open to that and understand that you have to take responsibility for the choices you make. Not everyone will forgive you, and you will get as much from them as from those who do.
Attend school. Stop cutting classes, Do your work. You are smart enough to be anything you want to be, you are the only one who doesn't know that. Being in school in your 40's is not a picnic.
Some boys are going to do something to you that will change your life forever. It will not be your fault, you will have done nothing to provoke it, or ask for it. Please, do not let it define you. It will be the catalyst for the next 10 years of addiction, self injury, and suicide attempts. Please get help right away instead of waiting for 5 years to tell anyone. You deserve better. You will not listen to this advice, I am sure, just survive it, eventually you will deal with it as you need to.
Some day, you will get better from all these things. You will be a grown up, sober and happy. You will be married and have the most amazing children. Even if this letter is ignored and everything goes the same, you will still get better. When you ask why you lived through this all, when so many people you knew died, the answer will become clear when your first child is born. It will become even more clear when your second child is born, and every night you look at them while they sleep.
I wish that I actually received this letter when I was 16, but having been a 16 year old, I am sure it would not have mattered. I love you, I should have loved you more then, but I do love you now and so do lot's of others.
Be kind to yourself,
Alissa
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
For A Friend
So, I have this friend, who has a friend, that I know a little bit. She is in a lot of trouble right now, and my friend thinks I can help her. I have no way of getting in touch with her, so maybe she will read this...
I was a junkie. A souless, theiving, fiending, meth addicted junkie 16 years ago. I drank more than anyone I ever met, and I had no care in the worlk for my life or anyone elses. This January I will be sober 16 years if all goes according to plan. I am not the same person I used to be at all.
The purpose of this is to say to you, I have been where you are right now. I am thankful I did not have my kids yet, and then decision you made for yours was the best one you could make right now. You are not a worthless piece of shit, and I wasn't either. I always felt just not quite as good as everyone else. I was kind of an outsider in my own life. I know we were both adopted, my parents were divorced and remaried. I lived with my mom, stepdad and their natural son growing up...I felt like I was a guest in their families house. All of that was just from my head, no one told me that, it was just me.
There is hope, and if you need help you can message me privately and I will keep your confidences. I assume at this point if you are reading this you know who you are...I love your friend very much, and she loves you very much, so I needed to try to reach out to you. If you are not ready or this yet, I get it. But if you want to stop not living, and get this shit behind you, I will be there for you whenever you need.
I never thought I would live out of my 20's, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams now. T just wants you to have one too :) xoxo
I was a junkie. A souless, theiving, fiending, meth addicted junkie 16 years ago. I drank more than anyone I ever met, and I had no care in the worlk for my life or anyone elses. This January I will be sober 16 years if all goes according to plan. I am not the same person I used to be at all.
The purpose of this is to say to you, I have been where you are right now. I am thankful I did not have my kids yet, and then decision you made for yours was the best one you could make right now. You are not a worthless piece of shit, and I wasn't either. I always felt just not quite as good as everyone else. I was kind of an outsider in my own life. I know we were both adopted, my parents were divorced and remaried. I lived with my mom, stepdad and their natural son growing up...I felt like I was a guest in their families house. All of that was just from my head, no one told me that, it was just me.
There is hope, and if you need help you can message me privately and I will keep your confidences. I assume at this point if you are reading this you know who you are...I love your friend very much, and she loves you very much, so I needed to try to reach out to you. If you are not ready or this yet, I get it. But if you want to stop not living, and get this shit behind you, I will be there for you whenever you need.
I never thought I would live out of my 20's, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams now. T just wants you to have one too :) xoxo
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy." Martin Luther King Jr.
"All of a sudden there were people screaming. I saw people jumping out of the building. Their arms were flailing. I stopped taking pictures and started crying." Michael Walters, a freelance photo journalist in Manhattan
As I looked over my left shoulder to merge onto Route 3, so I could just get home, to comfort and what I thought of as safety, the skyline I loved for my entire life was covered in black smoke. I never look at it the same. I never see it through the same eyes. It always seems smoke covered to me. I usually still tear up driving off 3 onto 1&9 to visit my dad.
Bin Laden is dead and people were cheering in the streets. The towers fell and people were cheering in the streets. This day, September 11th is a day that is with me all the time. I still cry about it. I still don't feel the same as I did before it. I mourn the loss of the views of my childhood from my fathers window and Liberty State Park where I played as a little girl. It still makes me want to vomit.
I am not sad that he is dead, I am just not rejoicing in it. I don't feel there is any more resolve or justice than there was yesterday. I feel that hundreds of people are waiting to fill his shoes. I feel like I will never understand a people that are willing to train 12 year old boys and girls to blow themselves up. I feel like people who celebrate death, lose part of their soul. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate. It all makes me feel so sick.
So, what does it all mean? I have no idea. I just know from talking to people, more people feel like this than I thought. Not everyone, that's for sure. Everyone is entitled to feel however they want, this is the United States of America. I try to teach my children as we go in life, and I will never teach them that it is OK to celebrate the death of anyone. War is war, and what needs to be done, needs to be done; I just don't get the celebration. Thousands of people died on September 11th; 2606 at the World Trade Center (plus 1 from a lung condition since the attack), 87 on American Flight 11, 60 on United Flight 75, 125 at the Pentagon, 59 on American Flight 77, and 40 on United Flight 93 in a field in Shanksville PA. The death of one madman will do nothing at all to make any of that any easier to swallow.
As I looked over my left shoulder to merge onto Route 3, so I could just get home, to comfort and what I thought of as safety, the skyline I loved for my entire life was covered in black smoke. I never look at it the same. I never see it through the same eyes. It always seems smoke covered to me. I usually still tear up driving off 3 onto 1&9 to visit my dad.
Bin Laden is dead and people were cheering in the streets. The towers fell and people were cheering in the streets. This day, September 11th is a day that is with me all the time. I still cry about it. I still don't feel the same as I did before it. I mourn the loss of the views of my childhood from my fathers window and Liberty State Park where I played as a little girl. It still makes me want to vomit.
I am not sad that he is dead, I am just not rejoicing in it. I don't feel there is any more resolve or justice than there was yesterday. I feel that hundreds of people are waiting to fill his shoes. I feel like I will never understand a people that are willing to train 12 year old boys and girls to blow themselves up. I feel like people who celebrate death, lose part of their soul. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate. It all makes me feel so sick.
So, what does it all mean? I have no idea. I just know from talking to people, more people feel like this than I thought. Not everyone, that's for sure. Everyone is entitled to feel however they want, this is the United States of America. I try to teach my children as we go in life, and I will never teach them that it is OK to celebrate the death of anyone. War is war, and what needs to be done, needs to be done; I just don't get the celebration. Thousands of people died on September 11th; 2606 at the World Trade Center (plus 1 from a lung condition since the attack), 87 on American Flight 11, 60 on United Flight 75, 125 at the Pentagon, 59 on American Flight 77, and 40 on United Flight 93 in a field in Shanksville PA. The death of one madman will do nothing at all to make any of that any easier to swallow.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
No One Knows What It's Like To Be The Sad Man...
Does anyone really know anyone else? I have found out things about people I never would have known, and it has made me think about the way people view each other and treat each other. Imagine this popular high school girl, pretty, thin, seems to have it all. Did you know she goes home to a household where one of her parents is an alcoholic? Did you know the pretty blonde with the brand new sports car has a mother who doesn't give a damn about her? The adorable waitress who just took your order has a baby at home with a tracheotomy? The nice Jewish girl from Tenafly used to smoke meth? The boy in the corner is suicidal because he is gay and his father is a bigot? The little boy never speaks, and acts out because someone is molesting him? No one knows what it's like to walk in someone elses shoes, unless they have. Why then, do we not treat people with respect? I can not tell you how many times a customer has been so rude to me that I have been brought to tears.
When did people stop teaching their children manners? A guy I work with said he thought, based on how parents will allow their children to speak to waiters, everyone should have to take a mandatory manners class in school, along with Math, English, etc. Brilliant idea!! Then the schools can pick up the slack for what many parents are not doing at home. And what of envy, and jealousy; two of the most useless things on earth as far as I am concerned? Looking at the popular cheerleader in high school, or the captain of the football team, when you are a 15 year old, who is less popular, is brutal. I had friend, and I use that term loosely, who upon getting engaged told me "well, it's not as big as your ring, but..." WOW!! Really? I said to her, survive my life and you can have it. Live through all I have, and I will give you the friggen ring, no problem. You have no idea what I have lived through, even those of you who think you know my story, unless you heard me speak at a meeting, you do not know it all. Do not want what I have, my life is not about that. I am just happy to have survived.
As for the people in the beginning of this...they are real people, they have survived their lives to this point, and they are amazing people. Most of us who have had a rough road appreciate what we have just a little bit more, I know I do. So the next time you feel the need to treat someone in a way you would not like to be treated, think about this; this person is someones child, parent, friend, sibling, how would you like it if someone spoke to your mother, child, spouse, or sibling, the way you speak to your nanny, hair stylist, waitress, check out person at the grocery store, sales person at the mall? I tell my kids before you do something, ask yourself, "will this make my mommy proud?" if the answer is no, don't do it! Not a bad idea :)
When did people stop teaching their children manners? A guy I work with said he thought, based on how parents will allow their children to speak to waiters, everyone should have to take a mandatory manners class in school, along with Math, English, etc. Brilliant idea!! Then the schools can pick up the slack for what many parents are not doing at home. And what of envy, and jealousy; two of the most useless things on earth as far as I am concerned? Looking at the popular cheerleader in high school, or the captain of the football team, when you are a 15 year old, who is less popular, is brutal. I had friend, and I use that term loosely, who upon getting engaged told me "well, it's not as big as your ring, but..." WOW!! Really? I said to her, survive my life and you can have it. Live through all I have, and I will give you the friggen ring, no problem. You have no idea what I have lived through, even those of you who think you know my story, unless you heard me speak at a meeting, you do not know it all. Do not want what I have, my life is not about that. I am just happy to have survived.
As for the people in the beginning of this...they are real people, they have survived their lives to this point, and they are amazing people. Most of us who have had a rough road appreciate what we have just a little bit more, I know I do. So the next time you feel the need to treat someone in a way you would not like to be treated, think about this; this person is someones child, parent, friend, sibling, how would you like it if someone spoke to your mother, child, spouse, or sibling, the way you speak to your nanny, hair stylist, waitress, check out person at the grocery store, sales person at the mall? I tell my kids before you do something, ask yourself, "will this make my mommy proud?" if the answer is no, don't do it! Not a bad idea :)
Monday, March 7, 2011
I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
I read on Facebook (really?) a friends status, "Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, and your reputation is merely what others think you are." It was the greatest thing I ever read! I feel like at this point in my life I have a pretty strong character. I make mistakes, but I own them and fix them as soon as I can. I have at least attempted to make amends for all the shitty things I have done in my life. Most people have accepted those amends, and we have moved on to a nice, adult, new friendship. I am in a great place, I am excelling at school, everything is great:)
So, why do I give a shit at all about the people, actually person, who won't "forgive" me and allow for a new relationship to form?? It has been well over 20 years. Why do we as people care so much about the one person who doesn't give us what we want, and not the hundreds who do?
My father is still angry at me for something I did when I was 17. (this is not the person I am talking about) I am 41, married with kids yada, yada, yada, but he has never let me forget that he is still angry about something I did as an alcoholic/drug addicted/anorexic/bulimic teenager....ummmm...ok? Thanks dad, I assume you tried your best ;) Maybe this is why I need forgiveness from a girl I haven't seen or spoken to since the 80's. I don't know. Seriously, who would give a shit? I didn't even know what I did wrong until recently, believe me...I would hate me too, but I would like to think I would agree to a cup of coffee.
I was a bad person, bad character, and I earned my bad reputation. There are just not a lot of people who think of me like that anymore, and I am having a hard time handling it. I know I am not the same person I used to be, and I really do know that. I am amazed at the person I am now, compared to then. I am not feeling sorry or any of that useless bullshit, I guess as I am reflecting on character versus reputation, I have been forced to admit that character flaw in me, and take it as a challenge, as I have every other character flaw that has come my way. I face my crap, and I do it with my head up. So I guess I should thank this person for this opportunity to better myself, but I really just wanna grab a Starbucks and work it out ;) But for now, I guess if you are reading this, thanks.
So, why do I give a shit at all about the people, actually person, who won't "forgive" me and allow for a new relationship to form?? It has been well over 20 years. Why do we as people care so much about the one person who doesn't give us what we want, and not the hundreds who do?
My father is still angry at me for something I did when I was 17. (this is not the person I am talking about) I am 41, married with kids yada, yada, yada, but he has never let me forget that he is still angry about something I did as an alcoholic/drug addicted/anorexic/bulimic teenager....ummmm...ok? Thanks dad, I assume you tried your best ;) Maybe this is why I need forgiveness from a girl I haven't seen or spoken to since the 80's. I don't know. Seriously, who would give a shit? I didn't even know what I did wrong until recently, believe me...I would hate me too, but I would like to think I would agree to a cup of coffee.
I was a bad person, bad character, and I earned my bad reputation. There are just not a lot of people who think of me like that anymore, and I am having a hard time handling it. I know I am not the same person I used to be, and I really do know that. I am amazed at the person I am now, compared to then. I am not feeling sorry or any of that useless bullshit, I guess as I am reflecting on character versus reputation, I have been forced to admit that character flaw in me, and take it as a challenge, as I have every other character flaw that has come my way. I face my crap, and I do it with my head up. So I guess I should thank this person for this opportunity to better myself, but I really just wanna grab a Starbucks and work it out ;) But for now, I guess if you are reading this, thanks.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
We make plans...so & so laughs...yada yada yada...
We were all looking forward to last Friday. Jesse took the day off from work, the kids were playing hooky from school, and we were heading to the city to go to the moma. I am lucky to have kids that like art museums, and we were all happy, the kids even asked their teachers if they could write about it as an assignment for class. We were going to leave a car at the restaurant since I had to work later. I was not feeling so hot, but decided to just suck it up and go.
By the time we got to the restaurant, 45 minutes later, I was sick. I thought I was having a heart attack. Not being dramatic, being serious, 100% thought I was having a heart attack. We headed to the closest ER and began a lovely 8 hour visit. The worst thing was that the kids were there, scared, and convinced that I was not going to be ok.
I did not have a heart attack, I do have severe reflux, and possibly an ulcer. It was a rough day. I never want my kids to be scared like that again. I kept thinking about Michelle, who died several months ago from what she thought was indigestion, and ended up being a massive coronary. Her kids are without a mom, and thank god mine are not. It is so quick, how a life changes. It takes a second and ...poof...it can all be over/different/worse/better, who knows what will happen.
I have been pretty outspoken about my gratitude for life in this blog, and I truly am. This experience confirmed to me that I am living right; have gratitude for all you have, stop wallowing in pity and make your life better, be with people who make you happy, love people and allow them room to make mistakes but don't let them take their shit out on you, love and be loved, be loud, say what you need to, and remove that which is not working from your life.
I am thankful for my husband and kids who were there all day at the hospital, and for the friends who kept checking in all day and offered to help. I love the people in my life, and I hope I am around to grow old with all my girls ;)
By the time we got to the restaurant, 45 minutes later, I was sick. I thought I was having a heart attack. Not being dramatic, being serious, 100% thought I was having a heart attack. We headed to the closest ER and began a lovely 8 hour visit. The worst thing was that the kids were there, scared, and convinced that I was not going to be ok.
I did not have a heart attack, I do have severe reflux, and possibly an ulcer. It was a rough day. I never want my kids to be scared like that again. I kept thinking about Michelle, who died several months ago from what she thought was indigestion, and ended up being a massive coronary. Her kids are without a mom, and thank god mine are not. It is so quick, how a life changes. It takes a second and ...poof...it can all be over/different/worse/better, who knows what will happen.
I have been pretty outspoken about my gratitude for life in this blog, and I truly am. This experience confirmed to me that I am living right; have gratitude for all you have, stop wallowing in pity and make your life better, be with people who make you happy, love people and allow them room to make mistakes but don't let them take their shit out on you, love and be loved, be loud, say what you need to, and remove that which is not working from your life.
I am thankful for my husband and kids who were there all day at the hospital, and for the friends who kept checking in all day and offered to help. I love the people in my life, and I hope I am around to grow old with all my girls ;)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Ghost of January 21st...past
I mentioned before that my career of drinking and drug abuse ended with quite a bang, a car accident to be exact. January 21, 1996 was the night of my last drink. It is also the night I tried to kill myself. I spend a tremendous amount of time being grateful I did not succeed.
What if I had? Here is my ghost of Christmas past type moment...
If I had succeeded in killing myself that night 15 years ago...
I would never have known what love was. I don't think a person can began to understand the unending vastness of love and what that means until you have a child. Natural, adopted or through marriage, loving a child is like loving no other.
I would have never known anyone of my own flesh and blood. I was adopted, and as it turns out, my birth mother died when I was two. My kids are the only people on earth "like" me.
I would have never been a wife. Being a wife to my husband is one of the greatest joys in my life. It requires work at times, there are sometimes tears, there is usually laughter, there is always love.
I would have never thanked my mom. She put up with a boat load of shit :)
I would have never been able to tell my brother this...I am sober because of you. Crashing my car was not my "bottom" seeing you see me after the accident was. I could no longer deny what I was doing to people, and I didn't think you deserved me as an example, so I got sober. I stayed sober because of me, but I credit you with kind of saving my life. I am not sure if he will read this, but I hope he knows it. There are several more people who saved my life; Erica Z, Kerrie O, Susan S to name a few. I love you ladies with all I have.
I never would have been an aunt. I have these amazing loves in my life, Stephanie, Ozzie, and Juliette (in age order so no one thinks I am playing favorites:)). Loving a niece or a nephew is the same joy as loving your own child, but they go home to someone else...excellent!
I never would have known myself. I am just now figuring it all out! I am a pretty happy person. I feel lucky every single day I wake up. I love my life and those I share it with.
I never would have been a good friend. Then I was not, at all. Now I am, I hope. I am grateful for those of you who have known me forever and gave me the chance to get well, and who stuck it out. You have taught me so much about love and forgiveness. I am grateful for the one who has not, you have taught me as well. I hope one day you will.
I never would have met the remarkable women I am friends with today, that have added to the amazing friendships I have had for years. I am so lucky to have you all.
So, in this time of great reflection for me, January, I was thinking about all these things. There is one more thing I never would have done, been there for a friend the other day when she said she felt like I did that night. She said she wanted to talk to me, she respected my experience, strength, and hope, and I helped her. That in turn helps me. I am glad I was there for her, and I am proud of who I am.
So I am pretty happy things turned out the way they did that night. It seems unreal that at the age of 26 I knew nothing, but when I look at this list, it seems I did not.
What if I had? Here is my ghost of Christmas past type moment...
If I had succeeded in killing myself that night 15 years ago...
I would never have known what love was. I don't think a person can began to understand the unending vastness of love and what that means until you have a child. Natural, adopted or through marriage, loving a child is like loving no other.
I would have never known anyone of my own flesh and blood. I was adopted, and as it turns out, my birth mother died when I was two. My kids are the only people on earth "like" me.
I would have never been a wife. Being a wife to my husband is one of the greatest joys in my life. It requires work at times, there are sometimes tears, there is usually laughter, there is always love.
I would have never thanked my mom. She put up with a boat load of shit :)
I would have never been able to tell my brother this...I am sober because of you. Crashing my car was not my "bottom" seeing you see me after the accident was. I could no longer deny what I was doing to people, and I didn't think you deserved me as an example, so I got sober. I stayed sober because of me, but I credit you with kind of saving my life. I am not sure if he will read this, but I hope he knows it. There are several more people who saved my life; Erica Z, Kerrie O, Susan S to name a few. I love you ladies with all I have.
I never would have been an aunt. I have these amazing loves in my life, Stephanie, Ozzie, and Juliette (in age order so no one thinks I am playing favorites:)). Loving a niece or a nephew is the same joy as loving your own child, but they go home to someone else...excellent!
I never would have known myself. I am just now figuring it all out! I am a pretty happy person. I feel lucky every single day I wake up. I love my life and those I share it with.
I never would have been a good friend. Then I was not, at all. Now I am, I hope. I am grateful for those of you who have known me forever and gave me the chance to get well, and who stuck it out. You have taught me so much about love and forgiveness. I am grateful for the one who has not, you have taught me as well. I hope one day you will.
I never would have met the remarkable women I am friends with today, that have added to the amazing friendships I have had for years. I am so lucky to have you all.
So, in this time of great reflection for me, January, I was thinking about all these things. There is one more thing I never would have done, been there for a friend the other day when she said she felt like I did that night. She said she wanted to talk to me, she respected my experience, strength, and hope, and I helped her. That in turn helps me. I am glad I was there for her, and I am proud of who I am.
So I am pretty happy things turned out the way they did that night. It seems unreal that at the age of 26 I knew nothing, but when I look at this list, it seems I did not.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
An Attitude of Gratitude
New Years Eve I had to work. Knowing I would not make it home in time to kiss my hubby at midnight, some friends graciously allowed me to invite myself to their house to ring in the New Year. We ate some Sushi, and toasted with milk shakes as the ball dropped completing 2010 and ringing in 2011. It was great, I missed my husband, but it was a nice way to ring in the year.
We chatted about the things one chats about in their 40's...mostly our kids and what not. It was during this chatting that I was paid the best compliment I think I have ever received. My friend Jennifer said that she had never met someone who was more grateful for their life than me. I have not been able to stop thinking about this since.
I am grateful for my life. In the most basic sense, I am grateful to be alive. In a broader sense, I am grateful for all the people and things I have in my life. The fact of the matter is, I should be dead. Every day that I am alive, is really a gift. I know how cliche that sounds, but it's true. I would say if I had not gotten sober when I did, I would be dead. I say that with 99.9% certainty. Knowing that is pretty powerful. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for my life, I just never thought anyone else saw me that way.
I think there are a million things a person can be called; pretty, smart, funny, talented, handsome, etc. but this is the best compliment I have ever been paid. Why? That is the question. I guess to me it means that being in recovery is no longer what I am, it is who I am. I was sober for a great many years while still having addict behavior. I can become addicted like that! Shopping, gambling, smoking, you name it, if it makes you feel good for a hot second...I am in! But I am not living that way anymore. I am recovering, every day, every way. It is who I am, and people can see it, and that makes me feel good.
I am so lucky in many ways, and I have created an amazing life for myself. It doesn't require a tremendous amount of money, or designer clothes, it is just a place of love and family. I am amazed every day that I have these kids, my husband, the friends I have, the family we share. I saw a story on Nightline last week on Beyonce (lol) and she did a documentary of her life on the road, kind of raw and uncut. In it she says, ""...I don't know why God chose this for my life..." on a much different scale, I feel the same way.
So thank you Jennifer, for seeing me and knowing me and for letting me know that I am putting who I am out there for people to receive if they choose to. I love you too :)
We chatted about the things one chats about in their 40's...mostly our kids and what not. It was during this chatting that I was paid the best compliment I think I have ever received. My friend Jennifer said that she had never met someone who was more grateful for their life than me. I have not been able to stop thinking about this since.
I am grateful for my life. In the most basic sense, I am grateful to be alive. In a broader sense, I am grateful for all the people and things I have in my life. The fact of the matter is, I should be dead. Every day that I am alive, is really a gift. I know how cliche that sounds, but it's true. I would say if I had not gotten sober when I did, I would be dead. I say that with 99.9% certainty. Knowing that is pretty powerful. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for my life, I just never thought anyone else saw me that way.
I think there are a million things a person can be called; pretty, smart, funny, talented, handsome, etc. but this is the best compliment I have ever been paid. Why? That is the question. I guess to me it means that being in recovery is no longer what I am, it is who I am. I was sober for a great many years while still having addict behavior. I can become addicted like that! Shopping, gambling, smoking, you name it, if it makes you feel good for a hot second...I am in! But I am not living that way anymore. I am recovering, every day, every way. It is who I am, and people can see it, and that makes me feel good.
I am so lucky in many ways, and I have created an amazing life for myself. It doesn't require a tremendous amount of money, or designer clothes, it is just a place of love and family. I am amazed every day that I have these kids, my husband, the friends I have, the family we share. I saw a story on Nightline last week on Beyonce (lol) and she did a documentary of her life on the road, kind of raw and uncut. In it she says, ""...I don't know why God chose this for my life..." on a much different scale, I feel the same way.
So thank you Jennifer, for seeing me and knowing me and for letting me know that I am putting who I am out there for people to receive if they choose to. I love you too :)
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