So I am perpetually on the quest to diet/get in shape, and I am constantly failing. I am scared of failing, so I set myself up to fail. I am so ashamed of myself for what I have become. Not ashamed of being an alcoholic, meth addicted, shopaholic, problem gambler...ashamed of being fat. I am at the end of my rope. No "normal" advice will help. The you can do it, go for it, try this, try that shit does nothing for me. I will smile and I will say thanks, I will try that...blah blah blah. But...I loathe myself. Is there a fucking cheer for that? Can anyone say anything (other than call a therapist you fucked up bitch) that will begin to break this wall that was started when I was 8 years old? I have spent 36 years building this wall, I am trapped behind it. I hate myself, I make a plan, I sabotage myself, I hate myself more...add another brick to the wall.
I have been trying to do the C25K program, I am not nearly where I should be to be with the group, but the group is not all carrying an extra 140 pounds each. I am embarrassed to go with them, so I try to do it on my own, and I hate it.
I need this to get better before anything else does, and I am fresh out of ideas.
Shame is the motivation behind all the bad habbits in my life, so I guess I need to begin there. UGH!!!! Usually I am so funny and upbeat... ;) That is how I make sure no one else can get me. I am funny, I make jokes about being fat, this way no one else can make one first. Sucks.
