So I am perpetually on the quest to diet/get in shape, and I am constantly failing. I am scared of failing, so I set myself up to fail. I am so ashamed of myself for what I have become. Not ashamed of being an alcoholic, meth addicted, shopaholic, problem gambler...ashamed of being fat. I am at the end of my rope. No "normal" advice will help. The you can do it, go for it, try this, try that shit does nothing for me. I will smile and I will say thanks, I will try that...blah blah blah. But...I loathe myself. Is there a fucking cheer for that? Can anyone say anything (other than call a therapist you fucked up bitch) that will begin to break this wall that was started when I was 8 years old? I have spent 36 years building this wall, I am trapped behind it. I hate myself, I make a plan, I sabotage myself, I hate myself more...add another brick to the wall.
I have been trying to do the C25K program, I am not nearly where I should be to be with the group, but the group is not all carrying an extra 140 pounds each. I am embarrassed to go with them, so I try to do it on my own, and I hate it.
I need this to get better before anything else does, and I am fresh out of ideas.
Shame is the motivation behind all the bad habbits in my life, so I guess I need to begin there. UGH!!!! Usually I am so funny and upbeat... ;) That is how I make sure no one else can get me. I am funny, I make jokes about being fat, this way no one else can make one first. Sucks.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
To The Little Voice In My Head...Shut the F*^k Up...Thank You.
So, everyone has this voice in their head. Some warn you of danger (I don't have that), some tell you what you are about to do is not a good idea (Nope, not that one either), some tell you how awesome you are (Ha! Nope...) and some are pretty fucked up and mean (Yes!! That's the one/ones!).
I have this never ending barrage of insults being spewed at me from the time I wake up, until I go to sleep at night. You are not smart enough, not good enough, too fat, not pretty...yada, yada, yada. If anyone else spoke to me like this, I'd kill them...for real. I am "healthier" now then I used to be, but it is still there. It is the reason I make fat jokes, if I say it first, you don't have to wonder if I know that I am fat, it's out there...this girl is fat, not blind. People really hate it, and I am sorry, I find it hard to help it.
I recently attended my 25th High School (I was a size 6) Reunion (I am not a size 6 anymore) and I must say...it was rough. I am the girl...the one who no one can recognize because I look like High School me ate herself...twice. I did not dance...people would be like...who is that fat shit, and why is she having fun? Doesn't she know she is fat...and therefore should have none? I was happy to see some people that I haven't seen in years, but I am so narcissistic that I assume they are all STILL talking about how I look (probably not though...I stopped talking about the drunk chick in like a day or two...) and I assume they are laughing at me. Don't tell me we are all grown ups and that shit stopped 20 years ago...it did not. If you are being totally honest, you know I am right.
Then there is this other weird voice. At first it will seem like a sweet voice. It tells me how awesome it will all be. It tells me...yes, your kids will be well behaved tonight because they love you so much...it tells me people will come through and do the things I want just because I want them. It seems sweet, no? The problem...I believe that things will go how I want, just because I do. I am like an eternal optimist. Today, I started out with the standard hope for the best and prepare for the worst, as I was meeting with my boss to find out if I was to be hired full time. By the time we met, I 100% knew I would be hired (in the morning I 100% knew I would not be hired), and I was not. I will still be per diem, but not hired full time. Not so sweet after all. Then the other voice (so mean) comes back...not good enough...and all that jazz.
Then...I want to drown my sorrows in the only vice I have left...food. But I can not (and did not) as I am on a diet.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel so fucking hard (does that make sense...it does to me) and when I get in my (mean) head I forget all the accomplishments I have had over the years. I am just disappointed today, and kind of pissy. I will live on, I will be hired full time, I will stop waitressing, I will lose weight, I will dance again (LOL) and it will all be ok...for now, I am probably gonna cry some more, and maybe eat a weight watchers ice cream bar :(
I have this never ending barrage of insults being spewed at me from the time I wake up, until I go to sleep at night. You are not smart enough, not good enough, too fat, not pretty...yada, yada, yada. If anyone else spoke to me like this, I'd kill them...for real. I am "healthier" now then I used to be, but it is still there. It is the reason I make fat jokes, if I say it first, you don't have to wonder if I know that I am fat, it's out there...this girl is fat, not blind. People really hate it, and I am sorry, I find it hard to help it.
I recently attended my 25th High School (I was a size 6) Reunion (I am not a size 6 anymore) and I must say...it was rough. I am the girl...the one who no one can recognize because I look like High School me ate herself...twice. I did not dance...people would be like...who is that fat shit, and why is she having fun? Doesn't she know she is fat...and therefore should have none? I was happy to see some people that I haven't seen in years, but I am so narcissistic that I assume they are all STILL talking about how I look (probably not though...I stopped talking about the drunk chick in like a day or two...) and I assume they are laughing at me. Don't tell me we are all grown ups and that shit stopped 20 years ago...it did not. If you are being totally honest, you know I am right.
Then there is this other weird voice. At first it will seem like a sweet voice. It tells me how awesome it will all be. It tells me...yes, your kids will be well behaved tonight because they love you so much...it tells me people will come through and do the things I want just because I want them. It seems sweet, no? The problem...I believe that things will go how I want, just because I do. I am like an eternal optimist. Today, I started out with the standard hope for the best and prepare for the worst, as I was meeting with my boss to find out if I was to be hired full time. By the time we met, I 100% knew I would be hired (in the morning I 100% knew I would not be hired), and I was not. I will still be per diem, but not hired full time. Not so sweet after all. Then the other voice (so mean) comes back...not good enough...and all that jazz.
Then...I want to drown my sorrows in the only vice I have left...food. But I can not (and did not) as I am on a diet.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel so fucking hard (does that make sense...it does to me) and when I get in my (mean) head I forget all the accomplishments I have had over the years. I am just disappointed today, and kind of pissy. I will live on, I will be hired full time, I will stop waitressing, I will lose weight, I will dance again (LOL) and it will all be ok...for now, I am probably gonna cry some more, and maybe eat a weight watchers ice cream bar :(
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)